Saturday, December 29, 2012

Gordo's Geebags #Mace

Ordered chicken baguette, got this lump of shit from the deli bitch! The chicken is supposed to be inside the baguette not hanging 3 foot outside it.

This is exactly as I got it.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Gordo's Top Tips #3

Are you fed up of getting petrol or diesel on your hands at the fuel pumps after some knob has covered the pump in fuel?
Combat the aftereffect of sloppy cunts by storing polytene gloves inside your fuel cap. These gloves can be acquired/stolen at the bread section of your supermarket or at considerate fuel stations.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

It's an Irish dream come true, (sort of)!

All the goodness of hash browns and sausage in one delicious treat. Its sausage wrapped in potato, the treat you didn't know you wanted.

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Great news for Mayo men

The Mayo Advertiser are offering €1,000 to any reader who can produce a full hard copy of last week’s paper with the headline “Massive blow jobs for Belmullet”. Internet bloggers have been almost hysterical since a spoofed-up copy of our front page started circulating last Monday. There are still many doubting Thomas’ who think it was the headline of the century that slipped through the proofing process, but alas, our original headline was much more sombre.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Tipperary Stuff #2

Surprisingly not that popular in Tipp.

Tipperary Stuff #1

Everybody is using these in Tipp, your nobody if you don't have one.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Supermarket Wars (Grocery Dividers)

Have you ever been at the supermarket checkout and had some savage nearly break your spine grabbing across you for a divider to put between your shopping and theirs? 

This drives me nuts and I don't understand why there is such a panic to barricade their bunion cream from my tinned tuna. I also don't see the urgency to leap across to grab the divider like a hippopotamus after sitting on an electric fork.

Not only is this extremely bad manners but these "jumping hippopotamuses" are deficient of both social skills and anything resembling a moderate intelligence rating. I have already had the opportunity to peruse the goods on sale in the store and choose to stay away from feeding my family on tubs of lard, so why in the name of God would I want to contaminate my groceries with your poor selection of products let alone pay for them. 

It's as if their groceries are under fire from an enemy in a combat zone and the only way to save them is to shield them with the impenetrable shield that the store has so kindly provided for the protection of their weekly shop. I wonder what kind of protection is needed to move the groceries from the store to the car, that must be some operation. I can imagine Kevin Costner and his team dashing across the car park to make sure that the budget cola is safe from abduction. 

Lets face it these people can't handle normal life so anything out of the ordinary will probably make them blow their top. Whats the worst that can actually happen, besides you might God forbid actually have to speak to the sales clerk to say "that's mine"?

Here's how to mess with their heads just incase you want to push them over the edge.
  • When you see them reaching for the divider pretend you are also going for it, when the pull their hand back pull yours back also then repeat process until its totally awkward or someone losses their cool. 
  • Choose a check out with more customers than dividers, stretch your stuff to blend into the goods in front and behind you then just wait for the panic to start.
  • When they place it the divider on the belt take hold of it and move it to the front of your groceries (leaving their groceries "exposed").
  • Reach over and place a second divider beside the one they placed (this will offer double protection).
  • Pretend to reorganise your items and place something over the divider to hide it, see if they can resist moving it.
  • Make a last minute impulse buy and leave it on their side of the divider.
If you try any of these leave a comment below and let me know how it turned out.

Happy Shopping!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Gordo's top tips #2 (Skimming Fuel)

While we are being robbed at the pumps on a daily basis with extortionate prices for fuel, its time to take a small bit back. When buying fuel instead of dispensing an even amount overfill by 1 or 2 cents. When you get to the counter almost all of the cashiers will not ask for the extra few cents and in the unlikely event that they do you could resort to:
  1. Fumbling around in your pockets for ages pretending that you don't have it until they tell you to get lost.
  2. Complain that the pump is faulty and make a big deal out of it.
  3. Just pay it and try again another time. 
I have never been asked for the extra few cents EVER.

You must remember that the cashiers are all human too and it always helps to say a cheery hello (kinda pretending that you know them cos your in all the time) with a smile. This makes it harder for them to ask for the extra in case they look scabby (when in fact its you that is). If you are a bollox to them they will ask for the extra and you've wasted your time. Also if you rub them up the wrong way they will remember you forever and you will have to wait for them to leave that job or die before you can try it on again.

Never buy anything else while your doing this as it will result in the exact amount of everything being paid and also you can maximise your skimming buy doing it in multiples of 10 rather than by larger amounts.

Don't forget to shake the last few dribbles out of the pump, its better in the tank than on the ground!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Vodafone Photo "Scandal" in a nutshell

What happened:
A few days ago a staff member in a vodafone store took a photograph of a customer and posted it on his facebook wall. The photograph was taken from behind the counter with the till screen and customer in view. The staff were apparently discussing this customer over the network who was apparently irritating them and had written a conversation on the screen.

How they got caught:
Well they in short posted it on facebook and it went viral as people outside of their friends circle seen it as a mutual friend commented on it and it showed up on their news feed. This was then reposted on twitter and gained popularity. The two staff members have been suspended and are in Human Resources terms "fucked".

Screen transcript:
"This cunt is wrecking my buzz. I am seriously gonna bitchslap her face into that Galaxy 2."
"What an awful looking huuure*."
"Mine too I need a cup of tea and a smoke and some heroin,"

*Dublin pronunciation of Whore

If you would not put it on your bosses desk, don't put it on Facebook!

Mobile network 3 tried to use a parody "Ryanair style add" for their business as seen below.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

There will be no dust left if it keeps getting bitten like this!

I was in the Blanchardstown shopping center today and on the lower level there are a number of shops closed. Last week I was in Millets for the last days of trading in the shopping center, this unit is now vacant.
Then the Game "saga" broke and that unit closed its doors.
Yesterday I passed the Peats store and seen a notice on the closed shutter advising that the store was closed for a "staff meeting". I seen the the writing on the walls for them and today the news broke that Peats are to close their operation down.
The Sony shop has already closed down and is still unoccupied.
This has been seen in smaller shopping centers around the country but I am surprised to see it in this particular centre. 

I hate to see this happening and I hope all will support the Game staff in their struggle for justice here

Monday, April 02, 2012

Sunday, April 01, 2012

A picture says a thousand words!

I am not sure what those words would be in the case of this picture, but am sure there are teenage girls everywhere looking for one of these. Its a toothbrush that sings Justin Bieber songs.... Wow that's a niche market if I ever seen one!  
The fact that this was posted on April the first is purly coincidental, this is a real product.

Why the hell did they not do a pantera toothbrush when i was young??

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Email regarding Household charge - The truth

Most people on the Internet (in Ireland) will have seen this email purporting to be from McGann Fitzgerland, and has been distributed over the world wide web and soicial networks.

Firstly here is a copy of the email.

Secondly lets examine it.

1) Its printed on "nice" paper despite it purporting to be an email.

2) There is an introduction to this email/letter by a third party.

3) No heading or introduction by purported authors.

4) Does not follow proper format for a document of this type.

5) Purported Author is not named after body of document.

6) I have never seen an email stating "this email is from" as a footer.

7) Header states its a "Note" and footer states its an "email".

8) The content is absolute gibberish and has not a shred of information that has any legal standing whatsoever.

"This household charge is a Statute, otherwise known as an Act of Government and only carries the force of law upon you if you consent to it… a statutory instrument is a contract. If you register for this “charge” you are consenting to this statute i.e. signing the contract."

"The courts know this and the last thing they will do is tell you. In fact they will hide this from you at every opportunity they can. On the other hand, if you tell them, they will accept it because they know it is actually true"

This is complete nonsense, and is based on "the Freeman on the land" theory.  This theory insists that only the common law applies to individuals, but that laws made by the governments or parliaments are only invitations to contract.

No freeman arguments have ever succeeded in court; some have even explicitly ruled that the term "freeman on the land" has no legal significance when the argument is raised

Freeman ideas are so far-out that even arch-crackpot Alex Jones thinks they're "quackery"

In short it is a Law and it is binding!

9) McGann Fitzgerald have stated its a fake.

Statement from McCann FitzGerald
23 February 2012
McCann FitzGerald has learnt that a memorandum/e-mail purporting to come from the firm and relating to Household Charges is currently being distributed in social and other media. The memorandum/e-mail is not a McCann FitzGerald document, it has not been prepared by the firm, and it does not express a legal opinion of the firm.
We are investigating how our name has come to be associated with the memorandum/e-mail.
We would advise all media that they should not distribute, or permit the distribution of, this memorandum/e-mail.
For further information please contact Colette Campbell, WHPR, 01 669 0030.

Monday, March 26, 2012

iWeight App - BEWARE

 As you can see the new App iWeight is a scam beware and warn your friends.
Look at my new iPad 3!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Household tax defense

Lets face it most people are "winging it" in regards to paying the household tax and lets face it nobody wants to pay. In days to come many of the good souls of Ireland will be putting themselves on the wrong side of the law, yes it is a totally scumbag unjust tax. While we are waiting for "Zombie Robin Hood" to return to save us from an unjust King, just what exactly is your defense going to be when you don't pay. Lets guess you don't have one and this just won't wash with the courts as I don't agree with the charge is about as good a defense as "I don't agree with speed limits".

I think we have heard the rumor or the viral letter proporting to be from a respected law firm stating that if you dont consent to the charge them you dont have to pay. Well its FAKE and the advice is baseless, so there you are standing in court harping on about the fact that you heard something about something. The judge will have heard the same excuses many times before you and will be sick to the teeth of them, thus eroding any chance of sympathy.

Now lets just say the 1,600,000 persons who haven't registered were ALL to go online at 13:00 on the last day to register, and lets just say the site crashed from all the traffic.

At the very least this would offer a viable defense in a court of law stating that a viable and reasonable attempt to register for the charge was attempted but was unable to be executed. This in the least would be better than no defense.

This is purely a speculative opinion on what may happen and should not be taken as legal advice or incitement to attempt to recreate the scenario described here.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Gordo's top tip #1 (Fluffy Pockets)

Fluffy Pocket
We all have suffered from that damn fluffy pocket at one time or another and it can be quite an inconvience. Currently 65% of people have undiagnosed "fluffy pockets".

What is it?
Well its when your pocket due to the strains of daily life collects fluff and other particles that are hard to remove. I believe this phenomenon can also occur in handbags. We've all at some stage of our lives tried to pay for items in a shop with a handful of fluff and a few coins.

Whats the big deal?
Well if left untreated it will wreck your head and the screen of your phone if the particles are abrasive.
Normal cleaning does not always get rid of the problem, even a "pocket shakeout®™" can't sort out a fluffy pocket all of the time.

AGHHHH what the hell can I do?
First off all calm down, dealing with these emergencies is best done with a level head. Then when you've got it together follow the steps below.

  1. Take control of the situation.
  2. Remove all items from pocket and place in safe place.
  3. Take ordinary household vacuum cleaner and insert into pocket.
  4. Clean until all that fluffy scourge has gone.
  5. Place items back into pocket and go about your merry business.
  6.  Check pockets & handbags regularly.

Research may suggest people with fluff free pockets live on average 3 years longer than people with "fluffy pocket" so keep safe and dont stress out, "fluff out®"!

Infomercial may come soon!

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Chinese foot binding

I have known about the practice of Chinese foot binding for years without ever fully understanding it. I have recently read Jung Chang's book Wild Swans which was a fascinating read and highly recommended, Jung in this book describes her grandmothers bound feet in detail. After I read her description I still did not fully grasp the way the foot was shaped, and embarked on further research.

Brief history 
It is believed that foot binding originated in the Tang Dynasty (618–907), and seems to have been an almost purely Han tradition as the Manchu and other minorities did not practice foot binding.

There are three stories of origin for foot binding, all credited to the court of Emporer Tang Daizong (Li Yu):
  1. The Emperors' favorite concubine had unusually small feet, and that the upper classes began to bind their feet to emulate her.
  2. The Empress had club feet and she convinced the emperor to order that all women were to bind their feet so that she would be setting her deformity as a model of beauty and elegance.
  3.  It is reported that in the 8th century Yao-Niang the consort of Emperor Li Yu of the Tang Dynasty performed a dance on a ‘golden lotus’ pedestal, wrapping her feet in silken cloths.This apparently became the fashion, and evolved with time.

Foot binding usually started when a girl was between 3 and 5 although some were bound much later in some cases such as poor families which caused much more pain.
Firstly the feet were soaked in a warm bowl of herbs and animal blood, and the nails clipped back. Four toes were broken then bent back under the foot. The arch of the foot was bent upwards and the arch broken by force to shorten the foot, this was easier when the girl was young when the bones were soft. Sometimes the sole of the foot was cut with a knife to attain the "proper" shape, while the big toe remained untouched. The feet were then bound tightly in bandages soaked in the water, herb and blood solution, and as the bandages dried they tightened even more.

The feet had to be cared for on a daily basis by soaking them and trimming the nails. If the nails were not trimmed they would grow into the soles of the feet, and cause an infection. This was a daily affliction, and was done for the rest of the women's lives. As well as the excruciating pain of the binding itself, the feet were commonly prone to other complications – from swelling and pus-filled sores in the early stages of the treatment, to paralysis and serious infections such as gangrene.

Bound feet were covered with tiny shoes, which were perfumed, ornately beaded and embroidered.

The men are said to have had a fettish for the bound feet which they named "lilly feet". The "ideal" foot was 3 inches and were named "Golden Lotuses". Feet that were between 3-4 inches were called "Silver Lotuses".
Men who were turned on by bound feet were called "lotus lovers", and are reported to have eaten watermelon seeds and almonds off the feet. It is also said that some men used to drink the water that these feet were soaked in. During the Qing Dynasty, love manuals apparently detailed 48 different ways of fondling a woman’s bound feet.

It was believed that women that had their feet bound would walk a certain way that strengthened and tightened the vagina, and that the woman's buttocks and "jade gate" would develop in such a way that the woman's "Jade Gate" would grip the man's "jade spear" tightly.

During the Song Dynasty's (960-1279) foot binding was used to control women, and deprive them of any independence.

Manchus never adopted the practice, and with the formation of the Manchu state known as the Qing dynasty (1644-1911) they tried to put an end to the practice, but failed.

Foot binding could be seen in the United States in the late 19th century as can be seen in the photo on the right taken in San Fransisco. 
It is believed that 1 billion Chinese women had their feet bound
since the practice started.

The first anti foot binding society was formed in 1895 in Shanghai, eventually spreading across the country. All registered members were not allowed to marry any woman with bound feet. Finally, foot binding was officially banned in 1911 during the Revolution of Sun Yat Sen.

In the the 1980s photographer Joseph Rupp photographed some women with bound feet in the Bound feet project and asked these women to tell their stories.
Lu Zhen-lan told him "Washing and rebinding is not something others should see. I am happy to tell you about myself and foot binding, but you may not write about me or take a picture if you plan to publish them in a pornographic magazine".

Most of the remaining women with bound feet have relatively moderate deformities compared to those of a century earlier, as the practice of foot binding became more clandestine after the 1911 ban. That meant many of these women were older when the binding started. Also, those who unbound their feet under communist rule often saw the length of their feet grow over time. Within a decade or two, the last living examples of foot binding will be gone, and all that will remain are the tiny lotus shoes.

In 1998 the Chinese Xinhua news agency announced that the last factory to manufacture shoes for bound feet in Harbin had ended production.

Zhou Guizhen (86) in 2007 shows her bound feet, followed by additional photos of bound feet